Out With the Old
Editor's Note
When we describe the enemy America faces as the “woke regime,” it is easy to envision the typical avatar of wokeness: young, blue-haired gender-studies majors with BLM banners and rainbow flags. But, as Peachy Keenan observes, this is not the enemy that has facilitated the destruction of our way of life thus far. In fact, the era of wokeness has coincided with an unprecedented era of rule by the elderly in America. As these entrenched politicians finally pass from the scene, Keenan argues that it will fall to the youngest among us to undo the damage of their reign. After all, it has never been the old who are called on to fight in war.
Age was a rusty shield for Joe Biden’s cascading health problems, the increasingly threadbare excuse his inner circle of crackheads, quacks, and sycophants would drop when faced with questions about his health. He’s almost 80, of course he’s falling up stairs. He’s getting up there, of course he forgets words.
Apparently, he also forgot he was (almost certainly) diagnosed with prostate cancer many years ago, probably before 2020. No man getting elite medical care, as he was, would not have been tested for prostate cancer annually. An unnamed Biden spokesperson preposterously claimed he hadn’t been given a prostate test since 2014, which probably tells us that 2014 was actually the last year Joe Biden had a cancer-free PSA; when lying, people like to cling to a bit of truth.
If my “baseless” and speculative hunch is right, that means he’s had it for around 10 years, which is around the time it takes prostate cancer to get bad. When you get prostate cancer, the doctor tells you not to worry: it will outlive you. At least, that’s what they told my grandfather. He actually died of the leukemia his prostate cancer treatments gave him.
A cancer diagnosis, any kind, in an old man would have killed any chance of running against Trump in 2020. It could not be allowed to derail his candidacy because, if you recall, he was the only “viable” candidate that shadow-POTUS Barack Obama had hand-selected to try to peel off nervous, centrist Trump voters who craved a return to “normal.” The affable grandpa with top-secret cancer and profound brain decay would have to do.
In Biden’s case, of course, his age was a blessing for Democrats. All those dementia-related lapses, falls, and incomprehensible speeches could be attributed to it. He’s relatable! Just like his crackhead son. Who among us doesn’t know a friend grappling with drug problems and bribes from shady Ukrainian energy companies? All they had to do was manage him until the election. Maybe find a way to fake a campaign from the safety of his basement. If only there was a way to hurt Trump and make sure Joe didn’t have to go on a big campaign tour around the country…
Unfortunately for the Democrats, the tried-and-true strategy of running politicians like mules until they hit the dirt is no longer of use. For the last fifteen years, a string of ancient Democrats who long outlived their political usefulness have refused to retire — and there’s no one to make them quit. Most of these are women who are outliving the men around them: Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters, and the late Senator Dianne Feinstein, who clung on, nearly sightless, wheelchair-bound, almost immobilized, her bob dyed jet-black so she never looked a day over 98.
Seventy-one-year-old Rep. Debbie Dingell fell asleep in an Energy and Commerce Committee hearing recently. No one cared and she didn’t apologize. She used the clip as proof to show how hard she was working!
Frightening old crow Rosa DeLaura is 82. Three Democrats have died in 2025 (so far): Gerry Connolly (75), Sylvester Turner (70), and Raúl Grijalva (77). Ten senators, from both parties, are older than 78. None of them are good ones either — Americans would not miss them if they retired today (please consider doing this!).
One is tempted to nod and say this is good: old, doddering seniors can’t do much damage. The older, the better, in fact: they are powerless to stop MAGA energy! Old Chuckie Schumer can just drool and stare at the ground in fury, his cervical lordosis freezing his head into a permanent downward lurch.
Alas, this is wrong. First, we need high energy on our side, and the Republicans in Washington are nearly as old and useless as the Democrats. No sleepiness allowed! Second, the clueless seniors running this place for so long completely misjudged everything. They thought the “kids love woke” so they gave them extra helping of it with sprinkles on top. “Trans kids are cool and trendy! My granddaughter who’s autistic told me,” the hip-replacement hipsters thought, so they ordered rainbows to festoon every preschool classroom in America.
The olds ushered in the woke reign of terror, the George Floyd riots, and the Covid lockdowns (Anthony Fauci is 84). When you’re pushing 90, what do you care that some faceless, nameless 32-year-old is going to lose his business?
Our politicians have been half-retired for years, half-heartedly going through the motions of a superpower. We were tired, and it showed. All around us, robust social structures, powerful institutions, and muscular self-defense capabilities all started showing their age at once. Nothing worked. Everything was old and rickety and breaking down.
Youth fixes this. I want a Congress made up of people aged 25 to 45, tops. Young parents. Go-getters. People with a huge stake in the game: if they don’t get this right, they’ll spend decades living in the ruins they helped make, along with their kids. I want the weightlifting room at the Senate to be filled with shirtless senators doing deadlifts. I want the commissary to be serving Hailey Bieber Skin Smoothies to attractive young representatives riding on caffeine and nicotine. Let them work 16-hour days and love it. Let them lean in to saving the country. We need them to get out and push.
But Peachy, we don’t want all those young liberals running around, do we? They’ll be there for decades!
Good news: Trump is winning young people by a lot, and the rest will follow. The most liberal demographic in the country now are the boomers and the 90-year-olds. The Alphas and Zoomers will save us.
At least they’d better, because America’s previously most right-wing generation, Gen X, is next in line for their coffin-fitting appointments. They’ve been holding this place together for a long time (you’re welcome), and now it’s their turn to get tired.